Non-deep Thoughts

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?...

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible ... And I believed them.

- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- The speed of time is one second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

- Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.